walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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