My sheets look like a crime scene.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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