apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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