Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
