just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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