I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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