Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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