nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just puked most of my soul out..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
