I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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