everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
