I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
