I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
