don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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