2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
