my phone needs a breathalizer
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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