nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
