she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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