Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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