I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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