When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What a dumb baby whore.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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