did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
