Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
