I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
