I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
