He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
