I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
