you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
