I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize