Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
