Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My vagina just recognized that song.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
