I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
