I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
