i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
