I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
