i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
