By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
