i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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