Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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