Need sex. Gaining weight.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize