She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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