She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
