how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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