someone threw a dead crab at me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
