I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
