I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
