can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
