Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
