is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
