how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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