We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
