he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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