So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Who died my cat blue again?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
