We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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