I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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