I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
