someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
