mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
