he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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