Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
