i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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