Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
