Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
