I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
