if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
