WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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