I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
