For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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