Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
A bitchslap is in order.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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