Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
