I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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