Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She told me I should be a condom model.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
