The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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