I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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