you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
