New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
