i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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